


And I, You

by Qirunwei



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode Related, Episode: s02e05 Non Sequitur, Episode: s02e07 Parturition, Gen, Harry misses home and Tom has Self-Esteem issues, M/M, Missing Scene, Pre-Slash, Season/Series 02, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 21:18:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3148865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qirunwei/pseuds/Qirunwei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after s02e05 Non Sequitur. Spoilers for this episode. Harry misses home, and Tom has self-esteem issues. The boys talk. Pre-slash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And I, You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LinguisticJubilee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LinguisticJubilee/gifts).
  * Inspired by [汤金段子集](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2527424) by [Qirunwei](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qirunwei/pseuds/Qirunwei). 



> I want to thank linguisticjubilee for being my lovely beta!! I hope to see more of your work in this fandom :3 Also available in 中文 as the eighth chapter of my Chinese Paris/Kim collection 汤金段子集.

_“Look. If you’re right, then things will be changed back to the way they’re supposed to be, and you’ll find me back on Voyager._ _”_

_Lieutenant Tom Paris, 2x05 Non Sequitur_

“Harry.” The doors swooshed open quietly. Lieutenant Tom Paris stood at the entrance of the tiny quarters, longing to hear his best friend’s voice after hours of separation. The young man had not stayed on the bridge for long after narrowly escaping destruction. “I owe you one.” The mysterious words were all he had said, along with a warm, broad palm that landed at the joint of Tom’s shoulder and neck, sending shivers down his spine. He had jumped at the sensation, but still faking nonchalance. “Kind of a rough ride, huh?” He had settled for a grin instead of jumping up and crushing the man between his arms. For god’s sake, shuttlecraft _Drake_ had been seconds, _seconds_ away from blowing up. His heart had beaten frantically against his chest when he almost shouted at B’Elanna across the bridge, being certain that Harry would not have made it. Then it had been filled with words when he saw him again, but with a look Harry had silenced him. Brown eyes locked onto Tom’s and the smile on his face had been so different from the reserved, polite ones that he usually gave. Tom gazed up at him and was too stunned to reply for a second. Before he had realized, the man was gone, leaving him grinning to himself in front of the helmsman’s console like a fool.

“Harry?” He called out once more, sticking his head inside the man’s quarters as he did so. When no response came, he stepped inside. The doors closed behind him with a merry chirp. Then the eerie silence crept up to him, causing his brows to knit together. Harry rarely takes off his communicator badge. Either he’s taking a shower in the bathroom next door, or he’s in medbay and the situation’s bad enough that requires him to remove clothing. He had looked unharmed when he got back.

A few more steps into the room proved him right. Harry Kim was safe and sound. He was currently sitting on the floor, leaning against one side of the bed with his head down. Furniture had obstructed Tom’s view, causing him not to have noticed the man straight away. He suspected the man had not heard him call at all. He did not seem to have noticed Tom’s presence either. Harry was so engrossed in whatever he was reading that he jumped at the slight creak the bed made when Tom sat on it.

“You weren’t at Sandrine’s.” Tom said.

Harry looked up at him, suddenly looking guilty. He glanced at the heap of uniform on the other side of the room. Tom guessed the man’s commbadge was probably buried underneath that somewhere. “Sorry…um…is it today? I didn’t realize-I’m sorry…” Tom stopped him when he attempted to stand. “Don’t be.” He dragged him to sit on the bed beside him instead. “Dalby was glad to take over.”

“We could’ve had that pool table for ourselves for the entire night.” Harry just looked sheepish now. Tom smiled at that. “But you needed the rest after all that episode on _Drake_.”

“Yeah.” Harry smiled back, but let out a small sigh as well, “Thank you for that, you know, saving my life.”

“Two more times and we’ll be even.” Tom joked. “But you thanked the wrong man. Wrong ladies, in this case. B’Elanna boosted your signal by tapping the transporter beam to the main deflector dish. It was the captain’s idea.” He had done nothing aside from counting down to his best friend’s death.

Harry grinned. “Nice move. Only she can come up with something like that.”

“You know what, I sometimes wonder what life would’ve been if I didn’t board _the Voyager_ , if I didn’t meet you lot.” Tom regretted it the moment he said that. Harry’s head snapped around so fast, looking at him with the slightest hint of shock. He hadn’t realized earlier, but Harry hadn’t been reading. It was a tiny holopicture that he was holding on his lap. A young girl turned around and smiled brightly at Tom, her long brown curls bouncing on her shoulders.

“Ah, so this is the gorgeous lady that I never had the pleasure to meet.” The words were meant to tease, but Tom said it with enough sincerity to sound genuine.

“Tom, meet Miss Libby Webber.” Tom gave a wiggle of his eyebrows and did a mocking bow. Harry snorted at him and proceeded, “Libby. My best friend, Lieutenant Tom Paris.”

Tom felt a bit flattered at that, but felt inappropriate to make a comment. He asked instead, “How did you meet her? Come on, it’s about time that you talk.”

Harry hesitated for a moment and Tom nearly apologized. It was not uncommon for the crew to talk about their lives back on earth. It gave them something to smile fondly at, something to hold onto, something to _remind_ them of who they are, _memories_ , instead of drifting away into the empty, endless universe. They ventured boldly into the future, but at the end of the day, it was the past that grounded them the most. But Harry was someone different. The young man was so detached yet the most connected of them all. He had not had much experience in space, but he seemed to be managing better than everyone. He smiled at people’s stories when he heard them in the mess hall or over a drink at Sandrine’s and made polite comments. It was curious that Tom had hardly heard any stories or fond memories, or practically _anything_ from him, and he was his best friend. Harry didn’t seem to talk about earth much. Hell, Harry didn’t talk about it _at all_. However, this time Harry did not hesitate for long before taking a deep breath, preparing for his narration. Tom held his breath to listen.

“I met her in the last year at academy. We both went to a Ktarian music festival and I had sat in her seat by accident.” Harry chuckled at the memory. “I was too timid to do more than buy her a pint at the festival, but I worked up the courage to ask her out three weeks later.” Tom grinned at his own imagination of the scene and clasped a hand around Harry’s elbow, urging him to go on. “It was quite a casual thing at the beginning. Just a few meals together and…a concert that I played in.” If Tom didn’t know Harry at all he would’ve believed that. Harry was never _casual_. The meals were probably well-planned dinners that would capture the heart of any young lady. And a _concert_. Tom wondered what Harry had played.

“Then it just got better from there. I suppose…we would have moved in together by now, if I hadn’t come here. I would have moved out of that pathetic student apartment and gotten a place together with Libby. Big glass windows facing the bay. It’d be nice to wake up to the city every morning.” _If I hadn_ _’_ _t come here._ Harry sounded almost dreamy at the end. _Such easy words. Now you wake up every day to an eternal night._ But they both know that wasn’t true. The seemingly empty space outside their windows was in fact filled with thousands of civilizations. Some were similar to theirs yet some were so different. They were extremely lucky to be able to see them all with their own eyes. Not to mention the curious life patterns they discovered out here on the other side of the galaxy. It was dangerous to think about a different life they could’ve had, but people like Tom did nevertheless. Being here, doing all these things, together with Harry. It was something he’d never be able to imagine, had he stayed in the alpha quadrant. _If I hadn_ _’_ _t come here, if I hadn_ _’_ _t come here_ _…_ “I would have rotted in New Zealand and drank myself into oblivion, if I hadn’t come here.” He sensed Harry going tense beside him, and cursed himself silently in his mind. _Why on earth did I say that?_ Harry had already been under stress today. He didn’t need his pessimism on top of that.

Harry’s hurried response interrupted his chain of thought. “You see I had a-a dream, yes, a dream last night, of what we’d become if we weren’t on board the _Voyager_.” Harry smiled, but it was strained, nothing like the one that he gave Tom earlier on the bridge. And his words were forced as well. Misplaced. Manipulated. “And I saw you, flying on a trade route between earth and Bolarus IX.” When Tom looked unconvinced, he quickly added, “Ricky was there with you. And you know what? You were wearing the worst outfit I’ve ever seen. A yellow shirt and a floral vest. Seriously?” That at least managed to crack Tom. He punched Harry playfully on the shoulder. “Hey, what’s wrong with yellow? You wear it on your shoulders all day. I never hear you complain.”

“As long as you don’t wear a turtleneck to our next shore leave.” Harry protested meekly.

Tom eyed the blue-grey turtleneck he was wearing under the uniform jacket and pulled a face. “I mean this. Thanks for thinking so much of me. I would never dream of running a trade route.” Harry raised his eye brows at that questioningly. “I never hoped to be treated nicely at all after coming out of prison, Harry. No one likes those with a stain on their record. Especially when you have something to do with the Maquis. I would be lucky enough if Starfleet doesn’t put surveillance on me 24-7.” Tom really should stop talking about these things. But courage paid him a rare visit tonight. Also Harry wasn’t shunning away, so he talked on. “And I wouldn’t blame them if they do, really. If I were them, I would’ve kept a close eye on me. Once a thief, forever a thief. I’m no different man from when I was on the _Exeter_. ”

“But you are, Tom.” Harry’s gaze was again warm, looking at Tom half persuading, half pleading. “You are a different man from back then. That’s what it does to us. Time. _Fate._ It changes people. You as well as me.”

“I never considered you to be someone who believes in fate. Thought that’s what Chakotay is for.” Tom joked, trying to avert the genuine eyes. Harry believed in people with all his heart, no matter what sort. His trust came too easily. But that was also what made them friends in the first place. Harry had not been scared away by all that was said about Tom. Instead he ignored them and barged into his life, determined to find out for himself. _I hope he found what he wanted._

“It's just that sometimes I feel by coming here, I've left everything behind. Mom. Libby. My life. Home. And it’s true. By going forward we left the past behind, although a part of it always sticks with us, defining who we are. You gotta choose what it is that defines you most, Tom. Is it _Exeter,_ New Zealand, or something else? Can you be something _more_?" Harry looked thoughtful, staring at the holopicture again. Tom did not know what to say.

"There are times when I consider all that's happened, all...this," Harry gestured at the bare room, holding nothing more than the simplest pieces of furniture. No personal possessions. No pictures hanging on the wall. Nothing. "…is just one big joke put on us by the universe. What we've been through is mad man's talk. The Caretaker. The catapult. Even if we managed to establish contact with Starfleet headquarters, they won't believe us. But I think I understand it a bit more now. No, I don't actually believe in fate. It's all uncertain and unreliable. Yet I feel that somehow things are meant to turn out this way, helping to shape us into different people. _Better_ people. I would...never be as confident with the ship's operations if I had not been on board the _Voyager_. Though there were lives lost," Harry paused a little. "There were lives lost, but it only made me cherish life more. I would never have convinced myself how much Libby means to me, had I not been separated from her. I wouldn't be me if I hadn't come back-" He bit back the words, taking in a deep breath to compose himself. "Coming here, I met the Captain, B'Elanna, Tuvok and Chakotay. I met _you_." He turned to Tom. "And I wouldn't change that for the world."

He left it there and turned back to his little memoire. Tom was left gaping, plus a little pink in the face. He felt he should say something. He _wanted_ to say something. But words failed him and he was left with too many emotions that he just couldn't file away into the tiny cabinet that was his heart. The younger man had never been open about his feelings. Tom had come to terms with that. He wasn’t exactly the most outspoken guy in the galaxy, either. They navigated towards each other naturally, seeking company, but careful at the same time. Tom knew he was treading on dangerous ground. He had always been a drifter, because nothing had meant enough to him to convince him to stay. But Harry was different. He had his roots planted firmly on earth, so even when he was out here, thousands of light years away, he still clung to his life at home. Tom, on the other hand, could do nothing else but cling onto Harry. His own wavering vines entwining with the sturdy trunk that was Harry’s determination.

“Well,” he finally said, “I think you just convinced me to stay out of trading business.”

Harry burst into laughter, falling onto the bed on his back. “You’d be a horrible trader. Just think of all the Ferengis you’d piss off.”

“Excuse me.” Tom leaned down threateningly, “In case you haven’t noticed. I’m a first-class expert at solving disputes with Ferengis.”

“God, I’ll have to be prepared to bail you out of bar fight arrests, then.” The bed shook as Harry hadn’t managed to stop his laughter. Tom gazed down at him, suddenly serious. “Harry.”

“Yes?”

“I want to thank you, for having such faith in me.”

Harry smiled, with the lingering memory that was the man wearing a yellow shirt and a floral vest, shoving him onto the transporter pad. _You_ _’_ _ll find me back on Voyager._

“And I, you.”

* * *

_“Everything you heard those guys saying about me. Well, it was true. But it’s not who I am anymore. At least not who I wanna be. This upside down mission to the wrong side of the galaxy has given me a second chance, and I don’t intend to blow it._ _”_

_Lieutenant Tom Paris, 2x07 Parturition_

 


End file.
